I Wish I Knew
by Shinlee
Summary: Fire Emblem 4: Seisen no Kifu / Genealogy of the Holy War. Diadora's thoughts and feelings afer Alvis Falaflame'd Sigurd. She barely remembers anything but her own name. So why would this blue-haired fine knight look at her with so much pain in his eyes?


I Wish I Knew

"Diadora, this is the man who murdered your father, Prince Kurth."

I never expected this before. I thought Alvis was joking when he told me that today would be a fated day. The one and only thing I knew was today our enemy would be approaching Velthomer and Alvis would stop them at any cost. He said something like wouldn't allow them to visit the King.

Speaking of the king, I met him once. The world was such a big surprise, right. Was this really frail-looking old man that stood in front me the King? He looked like he knew nothing about this war. To me, he was such a fatherly figure despite of this and I was glad he gave our wedding his blessing.

Our wedding. Yes, mine and Alvis'. He found me unconscious on the grass and brought me home. I barely remembered anything. My head aches… the one and only thing I knew was my own name.

Diadora…

I got along with him quite well. He was a softspoken and benevolent man. Not much a talker, but deep down inside I could feel his love. He made me feel as if I had known him for long, that we both were alike…

Now Alvis showed me this army's commander—a very fine blue-haired man who gazed at me as if his head got hit by a meteor or something. His eyes full of shock… but not just that. There were also sadness, anger, pain and something that I couldn't describe. His eyes were so… tender.

"Diadora? What's the meaning of this?"

His voice pierced my ears. I shrugged my shoulder and watched him closely once again. Yes, I could see an extreme pain in his eyes. His lips were trembling for untold words that were ready to flow. He studied my face, like, billion times or more.

"Why are you speaking to me… that way?" I asked him. "Do I know you…?"

"Of course I do!" his face reflected the agony. "You are my…"

Your what?

"That's enough. Diadora, Dear, you shouldn't be here any longer. This place soon will turn into ashes… and this man, my dear, the murderer of your dear father, really has his guts to make you upset. I can't allow that!"

"No!" the blue-haired man cried with all of his life. "Alvis, please… just one moment. That woman is…"

"You will die here, Sigurd."

Sigurd. That name was familiar… so Sigurd was his name afterall… but who was this Sigurd guy? His name echoed in my head, leaving me an untold sensation that I couldn't forget. Sigurd…

"My lady, His Lordship ordered me to escort you back," one of Alvis' young male servant kneeled before me and took my hand.

I begged Alvis to give me one last chance but the order had passed down. This faithful servant brought me back to the castle, but I almost couldn't take my eyes off of Sigurd. What was that pain for? Why did he look so sad? I could feel some kind of energy from him—gosh, I wish I knew what it was. It seemed that he wanted to take me to his arms, took me with him for good. But his eyes were still as tender as before… I knew it, Alvis used to look at me that way…

Alvis loved me. So…

Did he… love me? Those eyes, the way he looked at me…

"No visits to the King today, Sigurd," said Alvis, and he let his Falaflame did the rest of the talking. But Alvis wouldn't make Sigurd his archenemy for nothing—Sigurd counter Alvis' attack with his very fine legendary sword, Tyrfing, and successfully wounded him quite severe.

"Oh… Diadora!" Alvis called my name.

I went there again, holding my staff. Alvis was my husband, and this man was a treat to him. Of course I should be helping him, right? Wouldn't you want to protect your family?

"I'll heal you," I smiled and raised my staff, releasing its power and Alvis' wounds were healed. There, my husband was ready to fight again. I was glad to be a great help.

But Sigurd…

His eyes…

Was he… crying? As Alvis cried for Falaflame once again, Sigurd waved at me. His gaze even more tender than before; his lips parted, mouthing me something as the tears running down his cheeks. "Celice…"

Celice… ah, who was that again?

"There should be the end of Sigurd of Chalphy and his knights. Victory!"

Victory, for Alvis, my husband. But… why was I doing? I was nailed, I couldn't speak, I felt as if something so precious was taken from me… but what was it? A possession? A very valuable possession… God, everything was so blurry… did I even ever exist?

"My lady," the faithful servant 'dispelled' me. "His Lordship wanted to see you."

"Ah… yes," said I.

"Why are my liege crying?"

What… so… I was crying. Wait a minute, why? I had not experience such pain before. The most painful sadness I ever felt, as if my own soul was ripped off of my body or something. Suddenly this thought flew over my mind—perhaps it would be better if I heal Sigurd instead. Now that he gone, I felt remorse, perhaps it would be much better if Sigurd took me with him to the underworld. Perhaps…

"Diadora, oh I love you so much. I won't be able to seize the victory if it isn't because of you," Alvis' face was so radiant. I had not seen him like this before. But I didn't feel any happiness arose from this heart. Thanks to me, Alvis was able to finish Sir Sigurd off… why my husband's words didn't make me feel better? It only worsened. I felt so sinful, useless, guilty… and above it all, I wanted to die.

"Sssh… don't cry…" Alvis gently wiped the tears from my face. He caressed me and took me to our bedroom—yes, our bedroom… he is my husband, right?

… that again! It was like, I need to ensure myself more than a hundred times that he was actually my husband. I should stop this madness soon—my head aches again, I felt my chess burning and there was this crazy thought that Sir Sigurd ever spoke to me the very same way Alvis did.

"_Diadora, don't cry__..."_

Now I remembered. I had this conversation before, and I felt so loved and protected. There was this guy who made me feel confident, not afraid of anything ahead us. His touch erased my fears, somehow I believed that together with him, I could do everything…

"Sad face doesn't suit you at all," Alvis smiled and kissed me gently. I was like, shocked or something. For some moments I thought it shouldn't be this way—the kiss. Oh, this was ridiculous—a death of your husband's enemy affected you this much… no, no, I should get a hold of myself…

"What's the matter?"

"Dear, you seem to be so happy…"

"Ah. Why won't I? We won a tremendous victory today, right? We save the King, and I've avenged your father. Velthomer is still as glorious as it is, don't you feel happy too, darling? Up and foremost," Alvis' eyes were sparkling now, "you saved me, my angel, with that very hand of yours… I couldn't thank the gods more for it."

"Do you… do you hate Sir Sigurd that much? Why…"

"Oh, come on!"

I was surprised that Alvis would land his clenched fist to the tablet near the bed. Was I doing wrong? Oh, yes… why should I care for the deceased guy? Shouldn't the hugs and kisses went to my dear husband, who with all of his might and tactics were able to save this land?

"I'm sorry… Diadora," Alvis' hand touched my shoulder. "I shouldn't say that to you. The enemy's gone for good, shouldn't we have fun?"

His hands… I knew the way he touched me showed how he yearned for me that hard. I gave him what he wanted—shouldn't I be a good wife? Alvis took my lips and brought me to his. As his desire reached me, the crazy thought was popping again…

"_Diadora, the fate that I cannot kiss you is the fate I won't approve__!"_

"You're so beautiful, Diadora!" Alvis whispered softly.

"_Don't worry, you will be used to them—you're indeed so beautiful, they will be happy for me also. By the way, that's my sister Ethlin and his husband Cuan over there… me and Cuan are besties from Barhara Military Academy, together with the young Nodion King Eltshan."_

"Thanks…" yes, there was a man who ever said it to me before… and Ethlin, Cuan… ah, weren't they a part of Lenster royal family? Ethlin's brother… means Cuan's brother-in-law… who…

"Hey, what's with that look? I'm not a ghost, I'm only your husband," Alvis teased me gently.

A shadow in my head was not as blur as before… but still, this was something that I couldn't remember. As Alvis mentioned himself as my husband, I heard someone's face on my head…

"_This is my home. You're my wife, means this is also your home."_

Arrrrggggh!! Stop, stop, stop, please! Who are you? The one who made me hunger for your touch, and your presence was more than anything I need, that I…

I couldn't live without you…

"We have to spend more time together," Alvis kissed me again. "I will be Emperor of Grandbell, a heir to the throne will perfectly complete our life."

A baby…

Baby…

"Even if I have a baby, I will ride my own horse," I smiled back.

"No joke, you're riding with me. I treasure you more than anything, Diadora."

_Of course, you'll be riding with me. Don't overdo it, okay? When this war ends, let's inform the others about our baby._

This thoughts tortured me. I said nothing to reply Alvis. Perhaps he interpreted my silence as a joyful agreement, so he said nothing else and started to make his move. Every touch, every kiss, every hug he landed on me were so gentle and loving, but I couldn't help my tears that going down my cheeks. I bury my face on his shoulder and turned my head to the other side to prevent him seeing my tears once more. I pray to God that he didn't feel my body shivering—if he did, let him thought that it was because I responded his touches and I loved him back. My head boils. If winning felt good, then why did my tears coming down? Tell me…

God, I wish I knew me.


End file.
